Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
