Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
