What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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