I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need water and some morals
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
