Swine flu. Run for my life!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
