i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
