It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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