You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
