I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she peed on how many people?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
