I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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