We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
