i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
