What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
