I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize