Your face is a jimmy john
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
