At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
