My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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