my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
