i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
