There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
