he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
