Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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