Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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