just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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