Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize