I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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