I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
