I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
