Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
BRING THE BAGELS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
