whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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