and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
