So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
