How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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