Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
