so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
