Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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