He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
