hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
