Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
