Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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