This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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