My sheets look like a crime scene.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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