Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
