I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
