Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
