His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize