you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
