U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize