walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
