Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize