I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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