yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
