I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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