Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
