oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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